this is a memory.

they woke me up that morning because they were only going to be here for another day, and there were things that still had to be checked off the list. i, heavy with wine from the night before, filthy footed and achy all over, drug myself out of my bed, stepping over little makeshift palates on the floor. the days after these nights our house looks so quiet, like every corner and every square are still-lifes from the night before- Beer Bottle with a Half-eaten Block of Pepperjack Cheese, Puddle of Wine with Cigarette Butt, Splotch of White Wax with Singed Polly-Pocket Figurine. The door to the balcony is always open and it always smells the same- stale and complicated.
I drove the four of us to Malibu, because none of them had ever seen the Pacific Ocean. I dreaded it the entire trafficy way there- with the air conditioning not working, us with no supplies that make going to the beach more pleasant, like a blanket or a swimsuit. We waited to turn into the parking lot for half an hour, paid ten dollars and then there we were, me trying to wiggle out of staying there for too long.

I only knew Thad well out of the three of them- we went to Brazil together from Alabama six years ago for a volunteer trip. the main thing i remember was these 2 kids playing where their yard met the street, playing with a giant dead crow. they were both pulling his wings in opposite directions and spinning it around like the may pole i had to weave a ribbon around in 6th grade. my biggest fear that day, the one that paralyzed me, blushed me from the inside out, was that my fucking flower wreath would fall off. or that someone would notice the fact that i was wearing one at all, which no one else was.
we skinny dipped in a river in Brazil and ran through the halls of the hotel in sao paulo half naked and proud that we now had something to say we had done in "never have i ever." it was never awkward with him. i was never afraid of that one moment when our eyes catching would mean that we had to kiss, or say something about kissing, or I had to feel guilty about not wanting to kiss him. we stayed in touch but last christmas, when i met up with him at the IHOP in birmingham, his face upon seeing me for the first time in 2 years was panicked, confused. i knew he would think i had changed, maybe i even made it worse by wearing an outfit i knew would shock him. but it wasnt as funny as i thought it was- it was sad to see him look like that, like the little bird in that childrens book that asks everyone "are you my mother?" are you my friend? the one i used to recognize?

we walked towards the sea, the labor day crowds lingering at the ocean's lip. apparently everyone decided to go to the beach that day- the day before labor day, when there wasnt a cloud in the sky, when there was no smog obscuring the horizon and nothing to do but scoot your bum down in the lawn chair, cross your arms and smile at all the kids squealing at the waves. we took our shoes off and put them in this sad little pile that paled in comparison to all the stacks of beach towels and coolers and boards. we stood there, me, thad and his two friends looking at this infinite thing that they had only imagined. i decided to let them decide what to do as i went to the bathroom.
on the way back they had taken their shirts off and brett and drew were talking to each other, arms folded over their chests. thad stood, arms gangly dangling beside his lanky body, just looking out at the ocean. my feet were burning on the sand. my dress was sticking to my body in all the wrong places, wine from the night before still sloshing around in my veins.
considering all the people out there it looked so stable. for all the splashing (eyes closed as the wave licks you) and yelling to the shore, it looked like one giant motion, like heat coming off the concrete on an august afternoon in alabama.
i had to start running the sand was so hot. i ran from the bathroom that overlooked it all, to our skimpy pile, to where thad and brett and drew were standing. i took thad's hand and i only had to give him the tinest yank until he came without me needing to say it. we were part of it- first our ankles and then all the way under until we were swallowed by it, still holding hands.
we came up for air after being trampled by a wave, by the biggest wave that has ever been, by this monster of a wave that took us under and wouldnt let us come up depite all the struggling, and our limbs were all tied up in each other and i wasnt sure where i ended and where the water began, and when it finally did spit us out all i could see beneath the mass of my wet hair was thad's glasses, hanging lopsided from one ear, his face shocked and hysterical.