the cast comes off

they became friends after he had broken his hand punching a plaster wall. october knew of him, of course, and axel knew of her, and they had talked occasionally while holding red cups at parties thrown by members of the improv group that was actually funny, or while holding forties in paper bags at shotgun art openings on campus. she thought he was charming, in a dirty, taped-up glasses sort of way. she thought he was unsuccessfully avoiding what so many other guys were trying desparately to achieve: his glasses really had broken and he was too poor to get a new pair, and he often didnt shower because though he had plenty of couches he could crash on, he didnt have a single set of keys, no constant place to live. he took her insecurities as sweetness, her fear of being criticized by him or his friends as a beckoning, a wink. the intrigue surrounding her aloofness was magnified, by him and others, because she was dating one of their friends, a guy who was older enough to inspire respect, but who kept himself at a distance, never a fixture in any social circle.

it was a party on a roof that nudged them into friendship. the roof wasnt meant for parties-- one had to climb a ladder in order to reach it, and there was nothing bordering the roof, no rail or fence. it was a field of concrete with chimneys like little trees growing from the blankness. a mutual friend of theirs was having a birthday party there, and october went without her boyfriend, feeling bored and brave. once she made it to the roof, a six pack of beer in one hand, her heart a violent bass guitar, she spotted axel sitting alone and walked over to him.
i hate this, she said. that was fucking scary.
he laughed. try it with a broken hand. and a six pack. and a box of frozen beef patties.
howd they get the grill up here? she noticed it in the middle of the roof, and her friend waving with the spatula, his grin lopsiped and devilish. she laughed.
you know dave. screaming the whole way. this whole idea is insane, he said.
she sat next to him and opened a beer. the sun was setting; this was the only time of the LA day she could tolerate.
its sort of nice, now that im up.
and with that they formally introduced themselves and started becoming friends in the way that people who know they are supposed to be friends do. immediately teasing each other, neither one really wanting to talk to anyone else, taking mental notes during conversations of things to remember to tell the other one. they stayed on the roof until after midnight, dave the birthday boy insisting everyone play tag, eat more burgers, talk about him some more. when cop cars pulled up outside and flashed lights on the roof, and everyone had to run away either down 23rd street or to hide in the parking garage, they squatted behind a ford taurus, nearly pissing themselves with laughter that had to be silenced. they could hear the cops talking to each other, see the shadow of their feet underneath the cars. she squeezed his knee and he buried his face in his armpit to avoid the inevitable onslaught of hysteria. and after the cops had left, defeated by a dozen drunk college kids who had managed to have a barbeque on the roof of an apartment building, it came. laughter like neither one of them had felt in months.

******
they spent countless hours together each week. he knew all about her boyfriend, the reasons she thought she loved him and the reasons he wasnt enough, and she knew all about the austrian girl who was slowly, methodically breaking his heart. their friendship, though seemingly not sustained only on it, was fueled by their childlike flirtation. october felt relieved by it, that she didnt have to answer to it or if it ever came to a boil could use her boyfriend as an excuse. axel was delighted by the simplicity of their interactions, the non-complexity of it. he knew her boyfriend was jealous -- the few times they had attempted to include him in their adventures ended up in awkwardness-- but it didnt matter somehow. talking to her was like sleeping, it made him feel safer, less scared of what was going to happen next.

(they had gone to the same school, a community college in santa monica, but axel had dropped out the semester before because he could no longer pay tuition. he was floating around from house to house, hence the dirty hair, unable to think of applying for jobs and unable to think of ever asking his parents, in rural north carolina, for a loan.the austrian girl was deliberatley manipulating him into loving her, in the cruel way that only mythical, ancient women did).
(she wasnt happy. she was lonely, she was afraid that she had fallen in love with a man she had met the summer before. she hadnt heard from him since a letter three months ago, and the anticipation of it drove a hole through her heart. she refused to break up with her boyfriend because that would symbolize a whole different sort of lonliness, she thought, and sometimes she still did find herself daydreaming about the two of them having children, a family, a life. she often thought that she was clinically depressed and that maybe the way she was feeling meant she should be taking medicine).

she was sitting in a coffee shop, finishing mrs. dalloway for a class. axel was walking the mile from his friends house, since of course he didnt have a car. when he saw her through the window he could tell she had been crying, which he had seen her do before, and it made him feel helpless and young, like he had just been told some adult truth about life that would change him forever.
what is it? he sat next to her on the couch and put his hand on her leg.
the book. her faced was strained and sharp like a huge sob was pushing its way out.
its such a beautiful book. she let out a few little heaves and he hugged her and stroked her hair.
i should read it, he said.
she nodded and wiped her eyes. yeah, she said taking a deep breath, you should.
after a minute had passed, october wiping her eyes with a napkin, he said,
i need you to help me with something.
ok.
im kind of scared.
ok.

they walked two blocks to octobers house, a giant blue victorian that she shared with four people from school, and he led her into the bathroom. her eyes were still red and smaller than usual, making her look even younger. she put the lid of the toilet down and sat on it, facing axel who was perched anxiously on the edge of the tub.
i need to take this cast off. its been too long, and im afraid somethings wrong.
lets just go to the hospital, axel, its not worth it.
no. you remember me telling you? i waited eight fucking hours, october, eight hours. and that was with an appointment. its pointless. we just need to take this off and see whats going on underneath. if its really bad, like if i cant move my finger or something, we'll go. i promise.
she looked at him and laughed a little. he laughed back.
ok. let me get some - some what?
some scissors i guess?
hold on. she opened the door cautiously, looking for roommates. it was a wednesday afternoon, no one was around. but when she came back she still closed the door behind her.
ok, he said. just cut a little right here, he pointed to the top of his palm. his pinky and ring finger were in the cast, his other fingers were free. she pulled back the free fingers to wedge the scissor leg underneath the cast, which was disentegrating and dirty. she was biting her lip and her brows were furrowed. she snipped it.
now just start to tear it, he said.
she put the scissors down on the ground and started to tear the weak material. axel started breathing heavier.
im scared im scared...
she looked at him. of what? that your fingers wont be there anymore?
what if theyre totally fucked october? what if ive seriously hurt myself for life? why the fuck did i punch a wall to begin with?
austrians do that to a man, she said, and he laughed a little and then began to cry. oh axel, im sorry. look lets just take it off and see. we won't know until we take this off.
he wiped his eyes with the back of his wrist and nodded.
i need to cut it just a little more...
axels eyes were closed.
its going to feel so good to itch isnt it!? one more second....
and then the cast was off, in pieces on the floor of her bathroom. it stank, and his skin was green. he was holding the hurt hand at the wrist with the other hand, staring at his atrophied fingers, curled and stuck together.
do you think you can move them? she was kneeling in front of him, her hand on his knee.
i dont know yet.
its ok, she said, pulling her knees from under her so she could sit properly. i've got nothing but time.