together

margaret wrote the words down carefully on her lined paper. there was a spelling test tomorrow, and spelling was her best subject. she had never gotten anything less than perfect. she would carry the sheet of paper with the 10 words written neatly on it around with her all evening, and she would bring it to bed with her, and look over the words once before she dozed off to sleep, under the pink light the moon made through her curtains. she would bring it to the dinner table, if they were actually sitting down for dinner that night, and place it gingerly next to her place mat. she would stare at the words as her parents argued, or sat in silence, or said words that had no meaning other than their intonation. there was only one spelling test per week in second grade, but it was her favorite day by far.

the day of the spelling test was the day her mother left to go out of town. she studied extra hard the night before, staving off the fear that consumed her- the fear of something happening to her mother. of a car accident or a heart attack or what the PE teacher died of just months before- an aneurism. she pictured it looking like giant shark teeth, biting into a brain. if her mother was near by, if margaret knew that she would be at sara's house at 5 sharp to pick her up that afternoon, then nothing could happen. but the thought of the giant, echoey house with just her and her father in it was the most pure form of lonlieness margaret had ever imagined. she begged her mother not to leave. her mother said that it was only for a night, that margaret should be excited for her because she was having a slumber party at her best friend's house. her mother told her that grown ups like doing those things too but they dont get to do them very often. this was a treat she said.

margaret was also scared that her mother would never come back, and that she would be stuck with her father for the rest of her childhood. margaret could see her mother's face crumble when her father came home every night from work. it wasnt sadness or fear in her mothers face- it was the simple disappointment of being reminded of the truth. her father called her mother "mom" and sometimes margaret forgot that he was half in charge of taking care of her. it seemed like everyone in the house was taking care of him.

margaret's mother took her to school before driving the hour and a half to her friend carolyn's house. carolyn was her college roommate and now lived on a farm outside of the city. margaret liked going there but was terrified of horses.

margaret never wanted to get out of the car in the mornings, but usually on spelling test days it was a little easier. this day, though, she felt panicked and desparate. she couldnt imagine sitting through a day of class, going to recess, eating in the lunchroom that smelled like clorox and soggy, dirty sponges. she was sure that if she stayed with her mom, everything would be ok. her mother told her this was silly, and she promised her that everything would be fine. her dad was supposed to pick her up at sara's house at 5, just like normal. margaret's mom told her that if she gets too scared to call carolyn's house. and then she said "ace the spelling test," and reached over margaret to open the car door for her. margaret was still clutching the piece of paper with the words on it. the edges were softened. i love you i love you i love you i love you she wanted to say it over it and over. but there were cars behind theirs, waiting to pull up to the drop off point. her mother said she loved her, forever and always.

it made margaret want to cry, the thought of always.

when her teacher said to get out a piece of paper and a pencil, margaret was relieved. this would make her feel better.

station. s-t-a-t-i-o-n
country. c-o-u-n-t-r-y
then her teacher called out "together." margaret looked up from her desk. had she heard her right? together? that wasnt one of the words. she looked around to see if the other kids were confused. ms. michaels must have made a mistake. margaret could picture clearly the words on her sheet of paper, and together wasnt there. she raised her hand timidly.
"i dont think together was one of the words."
ms. michaels looked down at her book. "i think it was, honey." the boy beside her with the coke bottle glasses who never closed his mouth nodded vigorously.
her eyes welled up with burning tears. she wanted to run away. this cant be happening, she thought to herself and shook her head with a quivering motion. immediately margaret thought this was a bad sign, that something horrible had happened to her mom because she let her down. she had never missed a single word, and now something bad was destined to happen. she was embarassed, like the whole class could see the blank space next to #3 on her paper. her face was feverishly hot, her hands were shaking. she put her pencil down and could feel the sobs boiling in her chest. she stood up and told ms. michaels that she was going to be sick and she ran out of the class, into the purple carpeted hallway.

she knew carolyn's number by heart. she ran to the front desk, still supressing the hysteria she could tell was on its way. she asked mr. jenkins, the man who worked at the front desk, if she could call her mother. it was an emergency. he was supple and kind-faced, and after looking at her for a moment agreed, telling her to dial 9 first.

carolyn answered the phone.

"hi its margaret is my mom there?" hold them back, dont cry here.

"sure honey...is everything all right?"

she had to take a moment to swallow the lump that was crawling up her throat.

"yes."

"ok dear. one minute."

her mothers voice was like milk in the morning, or aloe on burned skin. oh god, margaret wanted to say, oh thank you, oh thank you.

"margaret? whats wrong? what happened?"

her lips started to shake. she was holding the phone against her mouth with both hands.

"hi mommy."

"margaret what happened?"

a few tears escaped her eyes and she let out an embryonic sob.

"nothing. i dont feel well."

"honey tell me the truth."

"i..." she didnt even know what to say. "i messed up...somehow i missed a word on the board so i didnt study for it."

"oh margaret thats fine. it doesnt matter at all honey. i dont want you to get all worked up about that. "

"the word was together. i didnt know how to spell it."

mr.jenkins was sitting at his desk with his hands folded under his chin. he had a framed picture of a cocker spainel and a day by day calendar on his desk. he was looking right at margaret with eyes that wrapped around her and pulled the sobs up from inside her ribs.

"that is a hard one. but i think i can teach you how to spell together. it doesnt matter if you get it right on the test, as long as you learn it sometime."

margaret was so glad she left the class and called carolyn's house. she felt like a drowning person who was suddenly floating in an inner tube.

"ok" she said, and took a deep breath.

"dont worry margaret. i promise you, i will teach you how to spell together."