a solution that works

"im fat. i know that i'm not obese, not sagging waddling out of breath close to death fat, but im fat. its gotten worse over the years, though i have never been lithe, i have never looked long even though im tall. its a burden, being overweight, and knowing it and watching people as they watch you, their eyes droopy with pity. ive done everything i can, i promise you everything, and still it continutes to grow, it continues to spread over my body, fat creeping into the most innocuous places- elbows, the backs of my knees, toes. and, truthfully, it seems that the more i do to stop it, the more i worry about it and actively fight it, like a gardener taking an ax to the kudzoo that is killing off his crops, it comes more and more.

i dont remember being a fat kid. those days were pure, like they should be, untainted by calorie counting and exercise. i was active and from what i remember, other kids liked me. i got invited to birthday parties, a boy wrote me a love note in third grade, a note that read "i have to go to the dentist today. i like you. jason." but now, when i look back on those pictures, im appalled that my parents didnt try to do something about it. its taken me all of these years to see that i was fat then too; its part of my constitution, to be overweight, and its a battle that cant seem to be won.

the first time i realized it i was in 10th grade. i was trying on an outfit to wear to school the next day, like i did every night, and there in front of me, was the truth. it was the fat truth, the truth i had been too young and too oblivious to ever recognize before. perhaps my parents were trying to protect me for as long as they could, maybe they thought it would be best if i kept on believing that i was attractive, that i was normal. but i saw then that i wasnt. and when i stormed into their room, my face purple from the sobs and my clothes half ripped off my dimpled body, they had no excuse. they still have none- and yes, i do partly blame them. for not telling me to put down the second nutrageous bar, for not encouraging me to stick with soccer even though we all knew i was the worst on the team. they still say what they said that night, that they dont see it, that they think im beautiful just as i am. and thats the problem- theyre as blind to it as i had been all of those years, parading around in cut off shorts that showed my bulging thighs, t-shirts that revealed the rolls of fat, the loaf of it hanging over the button of my jeans. this world is cruel, and you dont know just how cold it is until you yourself understand your place in it. if youre fat, if youre fat like me, then your place is cloaked in other people's relief that they never let themselves get that way, in other people's disgust at the mere excess of you- youre too fat, youre too much. you eat too much; you simply take up too much space.

ive tried dieting and exercising, like i told you before. ive tried every solution i could come up with. i cut my portions in half, and then in half by that, and then i understood that everything, everything, everything can be divided into parts smaller than the whole. i couldve kept dividing and dividing and then there wouldve been nothing on the plate, nothing not even an atom, but i would have stayed the same size. the more i halve it, the more i double. of course i know how ridiculous it seems, i know it cant be possible, but thats how it seems! that the more i try the more it backfires, the more minutes i spend on the elliptical the uglier the number appears on the scale. i wouldnt be coming to you if i hadnt tried everything, if this wasnt the absolute last resort. but you have to put yourself in my shoes- you have to imagine the stares, imagine the utter lack of social life, the lack of dates. i want to be normal! i do! thats why im here- i want to feel good, and i want to look good, and since dieting and exercise obviously as you can see have not helped me feel that way, ive come to you.

you know, part of me wishes that i had never seen the truth. that i had continued along, wearing those cutoffs, even if everyone around me was offended by them. even if everyone around me was appalled, i wish i hadnt of seen it that night in the mirror. because i was happy before, i really was. those years were the only time i was really happy, those years when i was ignorant of it all. they say ignorance is bliss, right? well thats what i mean. but see i cant go back to that now, and my life hurts too much, it hurts too much just simply to live, to live trapped inside a body that is as embarrassing as this one is. surely, surely you can understand that?"

the doctor was silent for a minute as she looked at pam. she didnt know what to say; in all her years of being a plastic surgeon she had ever been in a situation like this before.

"im really not sure how youve gotten yourself here, pam. how there hasnt been someone along the way who has looked you in the eye and forced you to see the facts, the truth."

"im not sure i understand."

"pam, youre 90 pounds."

"so youre not going to help? you think i dont know how much i weigh?... i just knew it would be the same." she gathered her purse. "if there had been one person, one god damned person, who told me the truth from the beginning, maybe i wouldnt have gotten this way. youre just the same. your lies, just like my parents, are just words to you. but they are my reality, they are what i have to inhabit every day of my life. and if you are going to say the same thing as the rest of them, if you are going to shut me out, be unwilling to help me get better once and for all, then i will leave and i will find another person who will take me seriously."

and with that pam stood up, walked out of the doctor's door, and put on her coat. eventually, she knew, she would find a solution that worked.