star shoes

there isnt much traffic on the way to pick her up, though its five o clock on friday. i make her come with me to get a burrito on the way home because everytime we talk on the phone i'm eating one, and it drives her crazy like i suppose it would. she refuses to get one and gets a small, gooey cheese enchilada. we eat them on my dining room table and pour ourselves glasses of wine.

we change clothes and spend about an hour bitching about our bodies- well, at least your arms arent so big that you cause a wind storm when you wave goodbye. well at least your ass isnt so huge that you have to buy 2 airplane seats. this feels good because its been so long, so long since ive seen her and so long since ive been able to do this. whenever me and zel start, he ends up forcing us to realize that we're beautiful and attractive. its satisfying though, especially with hoodie because she never relents- it could go on for hours and after awhile it just becomes a game, and youre laughing so hard that you forget how ugly you are and how hugely fat and how no ones ever going to love you. youre laughing so hard youre clutching your stomach, the one you just called caterpillar-esque because of all the rolls, and you feel more alive and real and connected than you did the other day when you were having a skinnyday. you feel three dimensional and unintimidatable. you feel like saying, to your body and to everything that made you feel small a few minutes ago, so there.

andy and zel come over, ryan comes upstairs all dressed up and we finish off the huge bottle of twist off top white wine. we go to andys because its near star shoes, which is where gordon and oli are waiting for us. i want hoodie to ride in andy's car with me so it wont be weird, like everyone piling in one car so andy and i can be alone, but she refuses because of all the times ive forced awkwardness on her. but as soon as we've left for hollywood she sends me a text message, and as we pass by ryan's car on sunset she puts her hands on the window, terrified, like we were back in 8th grade and im off with david mckee, leaving her alone with patrick frye in the back of a movie theater as david and i go off to make memories that will one day reek of embryonic sexuality but that will, at least that day at festival theater in birmingham alabama, be nothing but delicious and forbidden.

we go to andys house so he can change. ryan pounds beers which makes me laugh giddily, because ive never seen him do it before and its so funny the nights he decides to rage and the nights he stays sober, calm, unwavering. hoodie and i look at each other and dont have to say anything to communicate. sometimes words complicate things- we get it without having gotten it as separate beings yet. thats another thing ive missed since laurens been gone and ive had to place meaning into interactions just so i could remember what it feels like.

this was my adolescence, this was growing up- making sense of things, digesting them, alongside hoodie. nothing happened until we discussed it, or until she decided if i was making it up or not (is he flirting with her? i mean does he like HER more than ME? is this happening?-- no of course not, youre being delusional. just be distant to him and he'll get the point. i mean he doesnt like her but he still shouldnt be over there...)

we walk down whitley to hollywood, hoodie and i barefoot with our stilettos hooked around our thumbs. andy and i hold hands and read each one of the stars aloud, realizing that we only recognize about one out of ten of the names. in the bar hoodie and i drink red wine and sit in this chair where you pull a half dome over your head and these images are projected onto it- i'm loving it but soon hoodie is grabbing my hand and shaking it and i raise the hair dryer thing and shes like, jessica your face is being projected onto that screen. im embarassed but its still kind of exhilarating, all these strangers able to see your reaction when you think its totally private, when you think youre actually getting a reprieve from the chaos of being in a bar, a bar on hollywood blvd, but really youre still being watched and judged and youre background for other peoples drunken conversations.

gordons brother is coming in town and he's not 21 so we decide, after what seems like hours of logistical planning, to go to see team america at universal. andy and i finish off mine and hoodies wine, andy and ryan eat hot dogs wrapped in bacon and i have a bite because it reminds me of london and the wet biting nights and trying to find the N25 at 2 am. it reminds me of crowded, non-licesened taxis and belle and sebastian. it played constantly in my head, the boy with the arab strap- its the soundtrack of my months there. so its just me, hoodie and andy walking back down hollywood, back up whitley. hoodie says shes never been this drunk before, but she says that everytime we're together- i think its because in mississippi she drinks and smokes and sits around and here we're never still, here you can say jesus christ the air feels so good, jesus ive missed you, jesus i never want to leave, and no one will think its anything other than appropriate.

we're hurrying up the hill, the movie starts in less than half an hour, andy is ushering us, keeping us on track, reminding us of the time. he's a few steps in front of us when hoodie notices this apartment building to our right with this stream in front of it. its obviously manmade, with smooth rocks lining the bottom of it, all about the size of my palm. the water's moving, and its so strange to see it right in front of this concrete building. andy keeps walking so i run up to him and when i turn around, hoodies taken off her shoes and shes in the creek, walking in it like we were at lake martin and shes about to dive all the way in.

i'm hysterical. no hoodie no!
yes...jessica, yes!

and so my shoes are off and im in there with her, my fishnets somehow protecting me from the cold of the water, and its swooshing around us and andy is walking back towards us and hoodie is talking about wyoming and how this is it, this is wyoming, right here in the middle of hollywood, and we're telling andy he has to get in, he has to get in because i let him give me a piggy back ride even though i knew i would crush him, so he stands there and looks at us for a minute, sort of looking to either side, comparing the pros and cons, and he gives in and starts taking off his shoes and his socks and then hes rolling up his jeans and i cant stop laughing but hoodie is still walking back and forth, unable to believe it, telling us to just close our eyes. andy gets in and then gets out and im begging him to come back in because all i want to do is kiss him standing in this pond in the middle of hollywood. he comes back in halfway but im laughing too hard and its all just too much...
we end up going back to andy and gordons and 6 of us get into andys car and oli drives and i lay on andys lap even though i know im crushing him and we laugh and laugh

and its all ok, no matter what happens, no matter how much universal is like six flags in atlanta, no matter how much we feel like we are girls that hang out at the summitt off of 280 with orange fingernail paint and tube tops, no matter how lost we get, no matter hard we laugh, no matter how wrong things go

theres something about home, and how it lives in people, not in places. theres something about home, and how no matter how far away you go, no matter how far away it gets, you know exactly where to find it. and you know exactly how it feels when you do.