we lived!

if i could draw a diagram of tonight it would have been a giant smiley face. like on my birthday in san francisco, when andrew and eli and kneebone and yosh and my brother and everyone else came to that burrito place that i cant remember the name of and i looked at each one of them for a long time and memorized where they were all sitting and how settled it made me feel to realize that none of them realized i was looking at them- they were all talking to each other, they were all eating chips and ordering drinks in between laughing or nodding or saying "yeah yeah yeah!" my friends made my mom laugh so hard she wheezed, so hard that she did that thing where her mouth is trying to close and shes trying to come up for air but such an intense physical reaction is coming out that she gives up and closes her eyes and makes no noise at all until she inhales it and starts all over. howard drank wine with ryan, he always made sure his glass was full, and my mom and zel kept having the same thought at the same time. we drank and ate and had desert and coffee and my mom said oli looked like alfie and she hugged gordon when she saw him again. and andy sat next to me and touched my leg under the table and talked to howard about germany and brown bottles being brown. nick wore his nice shirt (they all did! all buttoned to the top and tucked in, all wearing shoes i never knew they had, shoes that werent missing laces or entire sections) and the waitress asked if it was a birthday and we were like, sure, yeah, its someones birthday im sure and we got loud, and talked about how we had all met and how ryan and i fight like twins and how i make things up to fight with him about just because im bored and i know no matter how far the rubber band is stretched it will never break. my mom cut up the appetizers and the desserts for everyone like she does with my pancakes and pushed food on them like a good mother and there were times when i would catch someones eyes as they were talking and there was this really full complex satisfaction, like a multicoursed meal or when you go sightseeing and you have a list of things you want to see and you actually end up seeing them all and by the end of the night your feet ache and all you want to do is eat chocolate and yogurt in your bed, watching TV in a language you dont even want to understand. ryan wants to cook breakfast for my parents, zel wore eyeliner especially for my mom, howard and mom oozed with compliments in the car, like "that (blank), wow, i really like him" or "isnt (name) so (complimentary adjective)"
and i was like, yeah, they are.
they really fucking are.