choose your own adventure

it is the night of matt's birthday and we are at the burgandy room off of hollywood blvd. my face feels sunburnt, but im not sure if its from watching toben and them play soccer all day or if its the wine we had before we left, settling into my skin like embarassment.

the bar is so dark we hold our hands up to each others faces and cant see anything- not lauren's freckle, not my silver thumb ring, not bills bitten fingernails.
matt is getting drunk and drunker. we keep ordering him shots of tequila, but im not supposed to be in there. im not 21 yet, i havent gotten force fed shots of things that make my toes curl, i havent yet felt obligated to throw up in front of everyone.

something feels like its about to end. we're all years from graduating, they are closer than i am, so that cant be it. toben and i are dating, it's been going fine i promise. it is seamless and effortless and at night i lie awake on my back in bed next to him and watch the still shadows on his white wall, listening to his unconscious communicate with me in tiny hmmmmmmmmmmmms.

ryan's on his way. he just called toben. this is months before ryan and i become good enough friends where he just calls me.

matt looks like he's going to be sick. he's leaned over the bar, i can tell this because there is a tiny lantern on above the cash register. he's talking nonsense to the bartender. he looks like a kid at a candy shop, leaning over the glass in glee-ish expectation.

we're all getting drunk. calvin is fun, he always is. he is loud and when i want to just scream in someones face, he'll let me, and sometimes he'll do it back.

neil diamond comes on. we love this song, but we've never known it before. we've never realized that sweet caroline (da na na) is the perfect song to dance around to in a pitch black dark bar, as matt's stomach is preparing to explode all over us. the whole bar is basically a hallway in between the actual bar and a wall of mirrors. we are squished together and bobbing up and down like we're trying to get someones attention from across the street. laurens the smallest, she naturally goes in the middle.
reachin out-
our arms are all around lauren, all of us holding hands
touchin me-
and we're going around in a circle like a washing machine or a may pole dance
touchin you-
and then her arms are up
sweet caroline-
and calvin yells out-
good times never seemed so good-
WE'RE GIVING BIRTH TO YOU!!!!!

a) we grow up and move away and we dont listen to that song because matt's puke got on my shirt, and instead of washing it i just threw it away.
b) ryan gets there and drives us home and lauren and i sit like dolls with porcelain heads in the backseat enamored with the way the air feels when it slaps our face, and we look over at each other but we cant say a word because the music is so loud. we smile instead. we are both very drunk.
c) we stay there and the song never ends and we never tire of bouncing up and down, and lauren never is fully born, because it would be sad, so sad to see her go.