stealing the show

she wasnt sure when she had first heard his name. it was like the name of a school, or a town, constantly existing but vague in its location, in the specifics of it. she remembered the talk of his family, of him in particular, but it seemed so recently that she had overheard those things, and she knew that the first time must have been years ago- she was a young girl then.

she was trying to remember because she was waiting for him, on the front porch of her house, to pick her up. she had just starred in the school play, she was a junior and everyone knew that this is what she was meant for- being an actress. she played one in the production, a gaudy, dried up actress who comes back to her home town to stir things up. she had her hair done in a french twist like her grandmother used to, and when she came back from nina's hair salon in homewood, her mom grabbed the marble table and said, i couldnt tell a difference. she wore so much lipstick that when she woke up the next morning it was still on, but she hadnt kissed him that night, so she wasnt too surprised.

she sat on the concrete stairs, her chest resting on her thighs. she looked at her lime green tennis shoes. she couldnt stop smiling, and the sound of the curtain closing, the creaky metal sound of it, echoed in her head. but still, she needed to remember the first time she heard his name- edward browning. something about it was urgent, like if she didnt remember before his car pulled up, she wouldnt let herself have the pleasure, the excitement of getting in the car with him. but, she knew games like that never worked, and the more she tried the further away it would drift.

she thought about the play instead. about her friends calling her name when she was bowing, about when a cue was late and she improvised and it was the hardest anyone laughed throughout the whole production. about how natural sequins felt, about how stealing the show was a bigger compliment than breaking a heart. both were equally as devastating, equally as eternal, she thought as she gently dug her front teeth into her jean covered knee cap. but to steal the show, to be a star-- that breaks everyones heart.

his white mazda made an embarassing amount of noise. she knew what kind of car to expect, she had seen him getting into after church. he never drove with his family, even though he lived at home. he had graduated the year before, but didnt move away, and probably, she guessed, never would. everyone knew about the drugs. the drugs, was all anyone knew. at that point to her, drugs all came in ziploc baggies, they all made you wired, they were all expensive. they were, in her mind, all the same.

she started walking to his car but he turned off the engine and got out.
"would you drive?" he asked. "i'm too tired."

she had expected him to say something about the play- he had been there, she saw him at intermission. she had pictued him with flowers, or a hug at least. everyone else had responded that way, and he was the main one she wanted it from.

"sure. i guess. where are we even going?" his blue eyes looked out of place, like they only belonged in the daytime.

"not sure. we'll figure it out."

they got into her car and she turned the heat on. it was only november, but she had been outside for so long her hands were stiff and painful.

"jeez its hot."

"sorry. i was waiting." he slouched down so far in his seat that his butt was almost touching the floor mat. "so, whatd ya think?" she started driving down the hill, to highland avenue. there werent really any places to go.

"of what" he said.

"duh, of the play! did you like it?"

"yeah, yeah. i had to leave a little early, i didnt get to see too much of you, but im sure you broke a leg."

he body was so thin, it was just a line, like the animated ones on seasame street that walk around and interact with each other. she couldnt remember what their purpose was, maybe they formed letters.

she was crushed but refused to let him see it. "so, just tell me where to go."

he sat up suddenly, he wasnt wearing a seat belt. he always sat with his mom and brother in the back row in the balcony of their church, looking completley drained, completley uncaring. he was the cutest boy there, and he was older than her and slightly forbidden, and so when he asked for her number last saturday, the day before halloween, she put her weight on one leg and propped her toe up behind it, like she got in trouble for doing at rehersal, and said yeah.

"what?" she asked, because he looked like he had an idea, or had to tell her something right away. maybe he was waiting until now to tell her that he had never seen acting like that, that she was born for it, that it was in her blood and in the stars.

but instead, as she was winding her way up niazuma street with both hands on the wheel and ani difranco playing ever so softly in the background, he reached over with his right hand and stuck it sharply down her shirt.

"what?? stop! edward im trying to drive!" she managed to push his arm away with her forearm, but her heart was beating now and she wanted to take him home. she missed the cast party for him, she could be with people who understood her, who appreciated her, who would kill him if he hurt her.

"what the hell was that about? jesus, not very romantic." she drove right past the canon, the best view of the city and therefore a popular makeout spot, though it wasnt secluded or very private. she had been planning on stopping, to look at the lights and wonder about them, to let her face be touched by his hands, to let him kiss her with his eyes closed, to talk to him for hours until her lipstick had come off with the words. she had questions to ask him- she wanted to know about his father, about the drugs, about his whole high school life which seemed too rock star-ish for a place like mountain brook. she wanted him to ask her questions, and tell her that he had always had a crush on her, and that she distracted him every sunday.

"where are we going now?" he said, now sitting back in his seat.

"im going to take you back to your car."

and then, as she gently pressed the brake and let the car swim its way back down the hill, he reached over and did it again, but this time with both of hands, this time it made the car swerve. she pulled into a driveway and looked at him

"what do you want? that cant be sexy- are you on something?"

and it was right after she said those words, right after she turned to look at his blond face, his translucent skin, that she remembered the first time she ever heard his name. it was at youth group one sunday night, it was back when catherine led them, when they talked about harmony and listened to the beatles. when god was an idea and existed in all people. when she left feeling freer than she had ever felt since. reggie, the youth director, was saying a prayer, which he usually did at the end of the meeting. they never talked about jesus at her church, and certainly not on sunday nights. but they still prayed, and even though she didnt like that word, she usually loved what he said.

that night he talked about forgiveness, and about dealing with things as they come, about making the best of situations that may exist within our families, or school, or just within our minds. and he said he had a special request, that we all pray for edward browning.

amen.