homecoming
it was the first homecoming she lost her voice. all day she had been wearing a plastic, glittery wreath with long silver strands that tangled with her blonde hair. she was in 9th grade, but every memory of homecoming is now colored with lost voices, headaches, the buzz of people she hadnt seen in years. each year seemed to get less exhausting so that by the time she was a senior, she didnt even stay until the end of the game. this was a disappointment to her, something she knew she shouldnt be doing, but she did it anyway because there was a party on the other side of town and everyone else was leaving in the 3rd quarter.
but on that december day, when she was only 14 years old, something happened that had nothing to do with basketball, nothing to do with alumni coming back, nothing to do with eating stolen hotdogs under the bleachers with patrick frye. that homecoming was the first day in one whole year that she spoke again to lester mode, despite both of their families and the school telling her it was forbidden. forbidden was the word they used, and for all of eighth grade until that day in ninth, she and lester communicated only by looking at each other in passing, over heads, in between people and backpacks in the hallways of their school. they had followed the rules until that day, and for a year neither one was sure of the others opinion- neither one was sure if the other even knew the difference between their glances and those of strangers. but on homecoming night, as altamont went into overtime with indian springs and eventually won, eventually exploded onto the rubber court, spilling everywhere like a pipe had burst, they learned what they thought had been true along- every glance was a word, a sentence, a tiny offering to the other one. a microscopic envelope, containing all the things they werent supposed to feel, all the things they were forbidden to explore.
they caught them in the woods, during PE. she guessed it wouldnt have been so bad had it been after school, or not in the woods. they were only kissing after all. just standing up, with his hands resting on her waist and hers barely touching the tips of his elbows. it was gentle, it wasnt thrashing or uncomfortable. they had kissed before, in the darkenened back dining room of a restaurant in a strip mall at 10 o clock at night. they had snuck under the rope, the restaurant was cleaning up the remaining customers in the main room, and lay under a table, ignoring the double beep of her timex watch as it told them it was time to go- lesters father was picking him up right at ten, outside the movie theater. he promised he would call her as soon as he got home, and as soon as he got home, he called her. they talked until 5 o clock in the morning, until she could no longer fight off her fear of dawn. but once, the night of princess diana's funeral, they talked until 7, until her mother picked up the phone to use it before work. it would take her years to realize that not every boy will tell you that you stop his heart, not every man will be able to say, i am lucky, i am the luckiest human alive, to get to be near you.
they hadnt gone far enough into the woods beside the track, behind the gym. if they had gone farther, or if they had waited until coach patton called roll (he only did it randomly), they wouldnt have been caught. she wouldnt have had to talk to the dean of students alone, being interrogated like a criminal, being called words like flighty. flighty, she knew, meant something much worse, something that could have gotten the dean in a lot more trouble than she then faced.
they both got 2 days suspension. she cried for the first one, thinking, ill never get into college. i am a criminal. i am a disgrace. what was i thinking. her mother consoled her, letting her watch TV in her big queen sized bed, but still said
"i dont want you talking to that boy, ever again. he is a dangerous boy. you should have known that, and you shouldnt have skipped class."
the second day wasnt as bad. jennie brought her ice cream, she could always count on her to understand. jennie told her that everyone felt bad for her and everyone blamed lester. jennie thought he was bad too, but she knew sometimes, that doesnt mean hes all that bad for you.
she was with jennie, standing outside the double doors to the gym, when he walked up. she looked at him, without saying a word, and pushed one of the plastic strands from her wreath behind her ear. jennie looked back and forth at them. he said hi. jennie walked back inside.
"hi," she said back.
it was right after the 3rd quarter. she was afraid of getting caught- she assumed that all the teachers knew about the woods, that they thought about the scandal constantly, judging her and treating her with more reluctance than the rest of the students.
"i made you a tape." he produced from the pocket of his army green courderoy pants a cassette tape, and extended it to her. she took it and put it in the pocket of her jacket, without taking her eyes off his.
they decided to go for a walk, after she ran inside to whisper it all to jennie, who grabbed her hand, squeezed it and said, "finally." she was going to meet jennie back at the front doors of the gym, because they were spending the night at jennies house. they walked down the hill to the parking lot and onto the track. there were some older kids laying down on the huge orange pillowy squares used for high jumpers. she and lester began to lap the track.
"this sounds cheesey and stupid but i missed you and i wanst sure if you hated me. we didnt even get to talk about that day. they came down while we were kissing, i didnt even hear them. i didnt mean to get you in trouble."
"i know. it was really awful because i wasnt sure if you hated me either, and i never thought what we did deserved all that. you know? it wasnt that bad."
they talked about the looks they had exchanged and he said that every note of one of the songs he put on her tape, only in dreams by weezer, was every time their eyes had ever met. she loved being told things like this. they were unexpected, and bold. it made her stomach feel like she was about to give a presentation in front of the class. they walked laps and laps around the track, and she laughed about how different it felt than when she had to run the mile around it, when she had to mentally detach herself from her body because it was such a tedious task, such an unwelcomed chore. people began walking down the hill and getting in their cars to go home. she had been so into the game up until he came up to her, she had been cheering louder than ever before, she seemed to have more invested in the outcome this year.
"i should go," she said as they approached the orange mats. "jennies waiting on me."
she hadnt thought about kissing him again until it was happening. this time, with more immediacy. this time, she thought "what if this is the last time," because she never thought that that day in the woods, and she should have, so it wouldnt have been so shocking when it actually was.
she pulled away. "lester, i have to go. i dont know what to say. if you should call me or what."
"just listen to the tape. we'll talk soon," he said, and delicately touched the edge of her glittery wreath, which she had forgotten all about.
as she ran back up the hill she fingered the tape in her pocket and began to cry, just a little bit, because that was, she knew without considering it, the most intense event of her young life. she didnt realize that the whole time her heartbeat had been making her entire body throb. she found jennie sitting outside of the empty gym, waving a pom pom back and forth like a flag.
"oh im so sorry," she said and sat down next to jennie, who put her arm around her and said, "its ok."
"i have something to show you," jennie said as she stood up. jennie opened the glass door to the gym, which she assumed was locked, and led her past the trophy cases into the basketball court. it was completely empty, but there were pom poms strewn about, empty cups and trash speckling the bleachers and the floor. jennie ran into the middle of the court, bent her knees, and laid down on her back.
she followed, slowly, and laid down beside her best friend.
"if you listen closely," jennie said, "you can still hear things."
it was true. something was echoing, like decibals of sound were still lingering in the air.
"you can hear one big thing," she said, and tears seeped out of her eyes and rolled down her temple, into her hair. "but not all the small ones."
"the big thing is all the small ones," jennie said, and grabbed her friend's ice cold hand.
but on that december day, when she was only 14 years old, something happened that had nothing to do with basketball, nothing to do with alumni coming back, nothing to do with eating stolen hotdogs under the bleachers with patrick frye. that homecoming was the first day in one whole year that she spoke again to lester mode, despite both of their families and the school telling her it was forbidden. forbidden was the word they used, and for all of eighth grade until that day in ninth, she and lester communicated only by looking at each other in passing, over heads, in between people and backpacks in the hallways of their school. they had followed the rules until that day, and for a year neither one was sure of the others opinion- neither one was sure if the other even knew the difference between their glances and those of strangers. but on homecoming night, as altamont went into overtime with indian springs and eventually won, eventually exploded onto the rubber court, spilling everywhere like a pipe had burst, they learned what they thought had been true along- every glance was a word, a sentence, a tiny offering to the other one. a microscopic envelope, containing all the things they werent supposed to feel, all the things they were forbidden to explore.
they caught them in the woods, during PE. she guessed it wouldnt have been so bad had it been after school, or not in the woods. they were only kissing after all. just standing up, with his hands resting on her waist and hers barely touching the tips of his elbows. it was gentle, it wasnt thrashing or uncomfortable. they had kissed before, in the darkenened back dining room of a restaurant in a strip mall at 10 o clock at night. they had snuck under the rope, the restaurant was cleaning up the remaining customers in the main room, and lay under a table, ignoring the double beep of her timex watch as it told them it was time to go- lesters father was picking him up right at ten, outside the movie theater. he promised he would call her as soon as he got home, and as soon as he got home, he called her. they talked until 5 o clock in the morning, until she could no longer fight off her fear of dawn. but once, the night of princess diana's funeral, they talked until 7, until her mother picked up the phone to use it before work. it would take her years to realize that not every boy will tell you that you stop his heart, not every man will be able to say, i am lucky, i am the luckiest human alive, to get to be near you.
they hadnt gone far enough into the woods beside the track, behind the gym. if they had gone farther, or if they had waited until coach patton called roll (he only did it randomly), they wouldnt have been caught. she wouldnt have had to talk to the dean of students alone, being interrogated like a criminal, being called words like flighty. flighty, she knew, meant something much worse, something that could have gotten the dean in a lot more trouble than she then faced.
they both got 2 days suspension. she cried for the first one, thinking, ill never get into college. i am a criminal. i am a disgrace. what was i thinking. her mother consoled her, letting her watch TV in her big queen sized bed, but still said
"i dont want you talking to that boy, ever again. he is a dangerous boy. you should have known that, and you shouldnt have skipped class."
the second day wasnt as bad. jennie brought her ice cream, she could always count on her to understand. jennie told her that everyone felt bad for her and everyone blamed lester. jennie thought he was bad too, but she knew sometimes, that doesnt mean hes all that bad for you.
she was with jennie, standing outside the double doors to the gym, when he walked up. she looked at him, without saying a word, and pushed one of the plastic strands from her wreath behind her ear. jennie looked back and forth at them. he said hi. jennie walked back inside.
"hi," she said back.
it was right after the 3rd quarter. she was afraid of getting caught- she assumed that all the teachers knew about the woods, that they thought about the scandal constantly, judging her and treating her with more reluctance than the rest of the students.
"i made you a tape." he produced from the pocket of his army green courderoy pants a cassette tape, and extended it to her. she took it and put it in the pocket of her jacket, without taking her eyes off his.
they decided to go for a walk, after she ran inside to whisper it all to jennie, who grabbed her hand, squeezed it and said, "finally." she was going to meet jennie back at the front doors of the gym, because they were spending the night at jennies house. they walked down the hill to the parking lot and onto the track. there were some older kids laying down on the huge orange pillowy squares used for high jumpers. she and lester began to lap the track.
"this sounds cheesey and stupid but i missed you and i wanst sure if you hated me. we didnt even get to talk about that day. they came down while we were kissing, i didnt even hear them. i didnt mean to get you in trouble."
"i know. it was really awful because i wasnt sure if you hated me either, and i never thought what we did deserved all that. you know? it wasnt that bad."
they talked about the looks they had exchanged and he said that every note of one of the songs he put on her tape, only in dreams by weezer, was every time their eyes had ever met. she loved being told things like this. they were unexpected, and bold. it made her stomach feel like she was about to give a presentation in front of the class. they walked laps and laps around the track, and she laughed about how different it felt than when she had to run the mile around it, when she had to mentally detach herself from her body because it was such a tedious task, such an unwelcomed chore. people began walking down the hill and getting in their cars to go home. she had been so into the game up until he came up to her, she had been cheering louder than ever before, she seemed to have more invested in the outcome this year.
"i should go," she said as they approached the orange mats. "jennies waiting on me."
she hadnt thought about kissing him again until it was happening. this time, with more immediacy. this time, she thought "what if this is the last time," because she never thought that that day in the woods, and she should have, so it wouldnt have been so shocking when it actually was.
she pulled away. "lester, i have to go. i dont know what to say. if you should call me or what."
"just listen to the tape. we'll talk soon," he said, and delicately touched the edge of her glittery wreath, which she had forgotten all about.
as she ran back up the hill she fingered the tape in her pocket and began to cry, just a little bit, because that was, she knew without considering it, the most intense event of her young life. she didnt realize that the whole time her heartbeat had been making her entire body throb. she found jennie sitting outside of the empty gym, waving a pom pom back and forth like a flag.
"oh im so sorry," she said and sat down next to jennie, who put her arm around her and said, "its ok."
"i have something to show you," jennie said as she stood up. jennie opened the glass door to the gym, which she assumed was locked, and led her past the trophy cases into the basketball court. it was completely empty, but there were pom poms strewn about, empty cups and trash speckling the bleachers and the floor. jennie ran into the middle of the court, bent her knees, and laid down on her back.
she followed, slowly, and laid down beside her best friend.
"if you listen closely," jennie said, "you can still hear things."
it was true. something was echoing, like decibals of sound were still lingering in the air.
"you can hear one big thing," she said, and tears seeped out of her eyes and rolled down her temple, into her hair. "but not all the small ones."
"the big thing is all the small ones," jennie said, and grabbed her friend's ice cold hand.
posted by Jessica Baxter | 8:02 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home