really beth

she wasnt used to being there, but she had an hour to waste before gender and global issues, and zani, the blonde sorority girl she had met weeks before because they laughed at the same 80's hairdo of a woman on a slideshow, passed her a note last tuesday that said

we should be drunk for this class. meet me at regal at 4 on thursday.

so there she was, at 4:00 on a thursday, at the bar on campus that she had only been to once, freshman year, when she naively used her fake ID that said she was 22 and from arkansas. she had been on a date with a junior and had kissed him on the stools in front of the bar, and he said

you are unreal.

the same stools that zani was sitting at then, her back turned towards beth, talking to another blonde girl, one that looked familiar. beth walked up to them cautiously. the bar smelled like feet, like locker rooms, like boys and empty spaces.

hi! she tried to sound normal, because that was the word she associated with sorority girls, especially un-bitchy ones like zani.

hey beth! this is allison, shes a deeg too. allison, beth.

allison was beautiful and had big hoop earrings on. her makeup was sparkly, like she just got ready, like she got ready just to come to regal. beth had been up since 8, she hadnt had a single break and had eaten her homemade fat free bologna sandwhich on the way to sociological theory. she felt haggard, and old. allison looked familiar.

i know you! allison exclaimed, putting her hand on beth's forearm. i came to your house with janet, that time you had the party.

janet was beth's friend from high school. they had come to college together unintentionally, half glad to be un-alone, half-cautious of strange gaps forming between them like a median on a highway. within the first few months they realized that they could be friends, calling each other occasionally and petting each others heads affectionately when they saw each other on campus, without really being friends. janet joined DG and had come to beth's house a few months ago with allison, for her housewarming party. she hadnt stayed long, and allison clung to her elbow the whole time like a scared, confused child. beth remembered janet leaning over to her in the kitchen, as beth was washing out a mug for allison to pour wine into, and saying, giddily almost, as if it were a compliment,

she thinks everyone is gay!

beth didnt know how to respond so she shook the water droplets out of the porcelain miss piggy mug and said

oh. ok.

now allison was pushing a clear cocktail towards her, saying, you gotta catch up girl! we only have an hour!

they were the only people in the bar, except for the three bartenders, leaning against the cabinet facing them, each fiddling with some irrelevant object.

the tallest one hurled himself from the cabinet and grabbed a bottle of triple sec. he poured them three shots in 3 plastic beer cups and said, "on the house ladies." beth's denim jacket was still on. she felt sorry for the bartender, she felt like he was mad at her for showing up, because he clearly had no interest in getting her drunk, but couldnt not offer her a shot. a neon green shot of what she knew to be sour, sweet, and pointless.

zani ordered a pitcher of bud light and within minutes dozens of people had shown up. beth knew none of them but zani and allison did, and when they knew someone that the other one didnt they introduced them by saying, 'this is my sister..."
beth didnt have a sister. of any variety. and she never had any desire for one. she was sitting on the far right, smiling to strangers like she was in the middle of a conversation they didnt know about. she felt very awkward.

the tallest bartender handed her a shot of what looked like kahlua.

oh god, do people really shoot this? she asked after sniffing it.

he looked at her for a minute and then reached into the ice box, which was right in between them under the bar, picked up a square piece of ice, and threw it at her arm. he had a shaved head and an evenly tanned body and he had white socks pulled up to where his calf muscles started and he was wearing skate board shoes. she doubted he skated. she wondered what it would be like to have sex with him, because she figured thats what every girl did when she sat down at that stool. she figured that was basically his purpose, that and beer pong with the boys. she wanted desparately at that moment to feel like everyone else. she picked up the piece of ice, which was resting in the cradle of her elbow, and threw it back at him. he smiled. it was lopsided, ugly. but he had very big muscles and eyes that refused to focus. she looked over at zani and allison. they were turned towards each other with another blond girl in between them, and they were laughing and touching each others arms and as they look long drags of their beers they looked the other one up and down.

so are you a DG too?

nope.

do you know them through theater then?

she didnt even know they were in theater, and wondered how he knew since she hadnt seen him talk to either one of them.

no, i'm fine arts.

ah an artsy lady.

ha, yeah i suppose. it came out just like that- ha, but she didnt mean for it to. she wasnt tryiing to sound sarcastic.

im sebastian, he said, and extended a paw like hand. she shook it firmly.

im beth.

she had nothing to say to him but she didnt want him to walk away. she was beginning to get a little drunk, making the smell of feet dissipate. he began pouring her another shot, this time of something pink and sickly sweet. it left the roof of her mouth feeling gritty. as soon as she put the plastic cup back on the bar she felt like she had been reading fine print in the backseat of a moving car. the thought of throwing up in rega's bathroom, which she remembere as smelling like clorox sizziling in creek water, made her feel even more nauseous. she imagined herself in mere minutes, listening to the relationship, or lack thereof, between diplomacy and women. she decided it was time to go home.

hey zani, i think im going to skip today- im just so exhausted, she said as she picked up her heavy one shouldered bag. take good notes for me though!

zani looked at her with a pouty face, like beth was a whiny puppy. well...ok. are you sure though?

oh yeah, but this was fun we should do it another time! she put a ten dollar bill on the bar and said

it was nice to meet you sebastian! with as much honesty as she could muster.

she made her way through the clumps of people all having the same conversation, past the only black people in the bar- the giant, unfriendly bouncers. the double doors were in sight when she heard someone call her name, and turned around to see sebastian, with his head down, doing a psuedo run that reminded her of high school. she turned around with both hands on the strap of her bag.

my names ryan, not sebastian.

there were pockmarks on the bridge of his nose. he really wasnt that attractive, but she knew from watching him that he had never had a long term girlfriend because there had always been so many options, so many girls keeping him in the periphery of their vision all night long.

oh. well mines really beth.

hey so are you coming back on thursday? maybe i could get your number then, so you could tutor me in the fine arts.

the slickness of his words made her wheeze. she wanted to be shocked by the cold air outside.

yeah, maybe youll see me then. she turned around and pushed open the door. the air wasnt as cold as she had hoped for, but it was enough. she was hungry, she realized, and the memory of the bologna sandwich floated in front of her, pallid and unfullfilling. she wanted a bean and cheese burrito, one that overflowed and got all over her face and lap. she wanted to eat it while driving, while singing, she wanted to have to pull over the car and pee on the concrete in a deserted parking lot because she couldnt wait another minute.

she pushed her hair behind her ears and smiled- how rare, how lovely, she thought, to have an adventure all one's own.